To the School Gate

(This is another post written several years ago. This post was originally written in 2024 but added to my blog in 2026. Sorry if that creates a time-warp conundrum. The reason for posting this is for context to help me remember my journey. It is unedited in the present to preserve the thought from the past)

Many years ago - like 45 years ago - Mum or Dad would walk me to school and make sure that I was safely inside my class before leaving to get on with what they needed to do that day. Invariably it would be Mum doing this as Dad was out at work.

As I grew up so that journey became less accompanied. Over the years the journey went from being with Mum or Dad to being on my own. I remember an instance that can't have been too long after I had started making the journey to school on foot on my own when I took longer than anticipated to get home. I was involved in a rehearsal after school for something and then, after the rehearsal was finished , I wandered home. My journey home was never particularly quick. I was often distracted or in a bit of a day dream. This all added to my lateness on that day and I remember getting home to a very worried Mum who hadn't known where I was. This was, of course, long before mobile phones or and personal device that could determine your whereabouts.

Mum took a lot of time and attention in looking after the family. Making sure we left on time to walk to school. Making sure we had our packed lunch. Making sure we had what we needed for that day like P.E. Kit, forms filled and signed etc. 

Fast forward to now......

This is the first term, at the age of 50 and within my first year of college as part of my training for ordained ministry in the Church of England, that Mum has not been there to send me off. 

Mum died just over a month ago. In the first week of December Mum was diagnosed with cancer. Three and a half weeks later Mum died.

This is a new season. 

It is true to say that Mum has not been taking me to school for many years, but it is also true to say that Mum has been one of my greatest encouragers, always wanting to know what I was up to and how I was doing. I was not the only one who received this attention. Mum had an amazing ability to talk and listen and network and encourage.

Mum's encouragement has been especially valuable over these last few years as I have been journeying through the discernment process. This process is designed to dig and test and enquire and probe. Sometimes it has felt very personal and surgical. It is a process designed to collectively verify the calling that someone believes they have to enter ordained ministry. The process felt like it left no stone unturned in my life. There were hiccups and setbacks along the way, but there were also regular messages from Mum encouraging me to keep trusting in God.

Mum has been on this journey with me. Not exclusively I might add. Jo, my wife, has been a massive and solid support thus far and I know Jo will continue to be as we continue this journey together. So this reflection is not wanting to compare Mum with Jo. That is something I would never want to do.

The difference is that Mum is no longer calling or texting or sending emails of wisdom. That feels weird. It is definitely something I am not used to yet. There is still a big part of me looking forward to calling Mum and telling her what happened in a class, or how a particular event has gone. And then I realise - I can't do that anymore.

Mum was going to be the one who proof read my assignments. We were going to learn together what was required in terms of content, style and format. Mum was able to do that once. I have an essay due shortly. It feels weird that Mum won't be reading it.

From those that I have talked to that have lost a close parent the things I am going through at the moment are things that are normal in this situation. The realisation of how life has changed in the big things, but also in the little things that I din't even realise were things.

I started my ordained ministry training course at college last September.

Here is another weird bit. It is as if God knew what He was doing. Romans 8:28 says 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.'

Mum was around for my first term. Mum was around for exactly one term. I remember telling others that I knew it would take me a term to get used to a new pattern of life that included studying again. 

It very much feels like God allowed me to go through that first term with Mum's encouragement and support. It almost feels like God allowed me that first term for Mum to accompany me to the school gate, just as Mum had done all those years ago.

Now that Mum is no longer around - what to do? Do I try and find someone else to fill what Mum used to do? 

I believe the answer to that is no.